After years and years of holding in the pain,the agony…my heart ACHES to let it be free. All the hiding of my fear and the worthlessness…I want to spill it all. I want to be able to CRY and release my emotions in a healthy way. I want to tell of the “voices in my head”,the lies,the nightmares. But it scares me. So much. I’m terrified of rejection. I’m scared the person will “freak out” and run and tell the wrong person. Lets be honest here,some certain people in my life are in denial and won’t react well to find out the TRUTH of how I feel inside. So I do my best to cope..alone. But no one can survive life alone,I don’t care how strong you may be. Everyone needs a helping hand at some point or another. And I’ve learned that when you are completely honest,open and spill it all out,there is HEALING. And that is the best feeling. Ever. Because where there is healing,comes beauty. So when you find someone who loves you for who YOU are,knowing your struggles and weaknesses,and STILL wants to be in your life,don’t lose that person. Never let go. Hold them close. Share your hurts. Share your triumph. Be there for them too,cause I promise,they struggle too,maybe just in different ways.
"I have learned now that while those who speak about one’s miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more." - C.S. Lewis
In the last year and a half I’ve finally learned to trust again. After many people have betrayed my trust and hurt me,I shut down and kept everything inside. It hurts more to suffer alone…but when people lied and betrayed me,it caused me more pain and I had more then enough of that to deal with already.
What I don’t get,is WHY oh WHY do people have to be so judgemental and hurtful. Everyone has secrets and struggles. We all face demons. But just because mine may be different then yours,and yes,sometimes scary and strange,that doesn’t mean I’m a total lost cause and I’m not human. Okay,yeah,I’m not normal. I don’t think like most people think. I see the world in a very different way. But I hurt. and……I need help.
As the days go by,and as it gets harder and harder to simply keep BREATHING,I lose hope of that. Years of fighting and falling apart. Getting back up and trying. And trying. And trying. And trying some more. And yet,I’m still in bondage. It’s so frustrating. I never,ever in my wildest dreams thought that I would be here. Feeling how I feel right now. In chains and trapped. I’m supposed to be the ”perfect pastors kid”. But I’m far from that. I’m a broken mess.
When I look back over the years,have I conquered anything? It might not look like that to you,but I’ve grown so much. And yes,I am stronger in some ways. I’ve made countless mistakes in my attempt to “feel better” and “ease the pain”. Everyday I make mistakes. I’m ashamed. Part of me wonders why I try because I know I’ll eventually give in. I guess somewhere deep down,there is still a small glimmer of hope. I don’t want to lose that. But,I feel like it’s just a matter of time before it’s gone. A person can only fight for so long.
I just hurt so bad.
This might not make any sense at all. My mind usually doesn’t make sense,but this is how I feel tonight,and I needed to let this out.
I just want to be free. Please,I would give anything to be free from this forever.